The Joke Thread

[Hirsch]

You know the rules, keep it semi-clean and no racist jokes.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

[Shazam]

What I was told at my first engineering internship by my boss. His boss isn't an engineer...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[rpiereck]

I love telling jokes, these are some of my current favorites:


One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where The devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," Says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even Let YOU decide who leaves."


George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.


In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.


"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the door of the next room.


In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.


The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said...........


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


==========================


There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent a declaration through-out the entire known world that he was searching for a chief..


A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.


The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! "


The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly.. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"


Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead ?"


The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


==============================


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;


I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.


It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"Crap!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.


Claude was never invited back.

[rpiereck]

What I was told at my first engineering internship by my boss. His boss isn't an engineer...

Man, that's priceless. My grandfather who was a civil engineer for over sixty years would have surely appreciated that.

[SaabKen]

Similar to Shazam's. We used to tell this joke to all the consultants (well, the ones we liked and joked with) we worked with:

**************
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one ?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal ?",

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a managing consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that ?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my damned dog !!"

[J-Rod]

A man sees a bum on the sidewalk. The bum asks the man for some money for a meal.

The man is suspicious so he asks the bum, "You gonna use this money to go buy beer?"

The bum replies, "No sir, I gave up drinking 20 years ago. I just want at meal."

The man says, "Alright, you're not gonna go get a greens fee at a golf course are you?"

The bum then says, "Absolutely not, I'm just hungry. Plus a quit golf 20 years ago too."

The man still doesn't believe the bum so he says, "I'm gonna take you back to my house, have you take a shower, give you some clothes and have my wife make you a meal."

Shocked the bum says back to the man, "That would be great! Are you sure your wife will be okay with it?"

The man replies, " I could care less, I just want her to see what giving up beer and golf does to a man!"

[Hirsch]

George Bush, Tony Blair and Saddam Hussein are walking through a desert when Tony spots a Genies lamp half buried in sand. He picks it up and starts to clean the sand off and out pops a Genie.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. As a reward I shall grant you each ONE wish!", said the Genie.

Tony Blair said, "I found it, I shall go first. I wish for my country to return to it's former glory as an economic powerhouse, with powerful industry and a prosperous agricultural population. Also, I'd like it to rain less."

The Genie claps his hands and says "It is done!"

Saddam grabs the lamp next and says "I wish for a great wall to be erected around my country to keep the land pure and the infidels out."

The Genie claps his hands and says "It is done!"

The Genie turns to George Bush and says "what is your wish?"

Bush, thinking, says "tell me more about this wall you gave Saddam."

"It is the biggest, strongest wall in the world. 100 feet high, a 1/4 of a mile wide, made of solid granite. It is impenetrable."

"Fill it with water" says Bush.

[rpiereck]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New England Patriots fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Pats fans, too.

Not really knowing what being a Pats fan meant, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, the students' hands flew into the air.

There was, however, one exception. Little Johnny, in the back of the class, was not going along with the crowd.

The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Patriots fan" he said.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm an New York Giants fan!", boasts Johnny.

The teacher asks him why he is a Giants fan.

"Well, my dad and mom are Giants fans, so I'm a Giants fan, too" he responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Little Johnny smiles and says,

"Then I'd be a New England Patriots fan!!!"

[Shazam]

Heard another good one recently....

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[SaabKen]

OK not a joke per se, but something funny that happened to me yesterday .......

I was getting a coffee at Starbucks, it was early and I was the only customer. I like a lot of milk with my coffee (esp. SB's) so I always ask for a "short light in a tall cup". They always know what I mean. Well, yesterday when I asked for a "short light in a tall cup", the guy replied: "Oh you mean the blonde blend ?" I thought about it for a second, suddenly remembering SB's new commercial for their new light roasted coffees (branded as "blonde"). So I said: "Oh yeah right, blonde coffee, whatever."

As he was getting my coffee for me, I said out loud to him: "I just realized I could have said 'Can I have a short blonde in a tall cup, wouldn't that be funny ?'"

The guy, with his back to me, said: "Umm ..... yeah I s'ppose", then he turned around with a weird look on his face.

I paused a second, then turned my head to the right, when I see a second staffer coming out of their back room to start shift ...........

A very short girl.

And you guessed it.

She's blonde.

[SaabKen]

Funny commercials:

Oh get your minds out of the gutter, people

[Hirsch]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.



The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.





The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:



1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.



4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.



8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.



12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.



And the pick of the literature:



16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[SaabKen]

Good ones !


These are old (I remember getting the original one in an office email in the mid '90s), but still good:

REDNECK COMPUTING TERMINOLOGY

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

[rpiereck]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.


Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .


The moral of the story - Pay your f#*king bills.

[SaabKen]

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

Sheeesh, the King shoulda summoned the Queen for pete's sake. 'Less he plays p/t on the other team ......

[Hirsch]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you 200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[rpiereck]

A man comes home early from work one day and starts yelling to his wife, "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags, pack your bags! WHOOO HOOO! Pack your bags!"


The wife says "What's going on?"


The husband yells "I JUST WON THE LOTTERY!!!! Pack your bags, pack your bags!"


The wife is all excited "REALLY?!! That's amazing? How much?"


"Sixty five million dollars! WHOOO HOOO! Pack your bags!"


The wife asks "Why? Where are we going?"


The husband responds "WE aren't going anywhere. I just won the lottery. Pack your bags and GET TO HELL OUT!!!"



==============



Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:


Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyers", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:


1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being nonnegotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the nonnegotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.


2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.


3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being nonnegotiable and only until the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb") becomes snug in the party of the third part (Receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (Light Bulb).


NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".


AS WITH ALL GOOD LEGAL AGREEMENTS -


SOMETHING GETS SCREWED IN THE END!



==============






A man is dating three women and is trying to decide which one he will marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a gift of $5000 and watches to see what she will do with the money.


The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, a wax job, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses very nicely for her man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.


The second woman goes shopping and buys the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some expensive gizmos for his computer, and nice expensive clothes that make him look fashionable. As she presents these gift she tells him that she has spent all this money on him instead of her because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. Within a few weeks she earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and distributes the remainder on multiple joint investments. She says she wants to save their fortune for the future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought long and hard which woman he should marry, taking into consideration what each woman had done with the $5000.


After a few days the man made up his mind and married the one with the biggest tits.



==============



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."


The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Hirsch]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are sitting in a bar.....



Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.”

Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie: “Sure have, been playing for years.”

Tiger: “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie: “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

Tiger: “But, how do you putt?”

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Tiger: “So, what’s your handicap?”

Stevie: “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says: “Man, we’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie says: “Well, most people really don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “Oh Hell no. I can afford that. OK, I’m game. $10,000 a hole is fine. When do you wanna play?”

Stevie: “Pick a night.”

[SaabKen]

[snorts, laughs ....]

[sacady]

Got this from a website:

Humour

We understand that humour is not a word generally associated with Germans, but at times it can be hard to laugh if you own a BMW, even if you are not German. So here is some help...

---

Buying a BMW
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

---

Q How many BMW car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A I'm going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

---

A BMW driver went into the local garage and asked the staff for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other and another customer asked, what is a seven-hundred-ten?"
He replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
The other customer asked "What does this 'seven-hundred-ten' do?". He replied that he did not know, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave him a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw what the piece looked like. The BMW driver drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
The mechanic then took him over to another car which had its bonnet up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?"
He pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
The mechanic turned the 710 half way round and the penny dropped.

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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer