The Joke Thread

[Hirsch]

You know the rules, keep it semi-clean and no racist jokes.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

[Shazam]

What I was told at my first engineering internship by my boss. His boss isn't an engineer...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[rpiereck]

I love telling jokes, these are some of my current favorites:


One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where The devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," Says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even Let YOU decide who leaves."


George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.


In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.


"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the door of the next room.


In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.


The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said...........


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


==========================


There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent a declaration through-out the entire known world that he was searching for a chief..


A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.


The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! "


The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly.. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"


Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead ?"


The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


==============================


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;


I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.


It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"Crap!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.


Claude was never invited back.

[rpiereck]

What I was told at my first engineering internship by my boss. His boss isn't an engineer...

Man, that's priceless. My grandfather who was a civil engineer for over sixty years would have surely appreciated that.

[SaabKen]

Similar to Shazam's. We used to tell this joke to all the consultants (well, the ones we liked and joked with) we worked with:

**************
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one ?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal ?",

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a managing consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that ?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my damned dog !!"

[J-Rod]

A man sees a bum on the sidewalk. The bum asks the man for some money for a meal.

The man is suspicious so he asks the bum, "You gonna use this money to go buy beer?"

The bum replies, "No sir, I gave up drinking 20 years ago. I just want at meal."

The man says, "Alright, you're not gonna go get a greens fee at a golf course are you?"

The bum then says, "Absolutely not, I'm just hungry. Plus a quit golf 20 years ago too."

The man still doesn't believe the bum so he says, "I'm gonna take you back to my house, have you take a shower, give you some clothes and have my wife make you a meal."

Shocked the bum says back to the man, "That would be great! Are you sure your wife will be okay with it?"

The man replies, " I could care less, I just want her to see what giving up beer and golf does to a man!"

[Hirsch]

George Bush, Tony Blair and Saddam Hussein are walking through a desert when Tony spots a Genies lamp half buried in sand. He picks it up and starts to clean the sand off and out pops a Genie.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. As a reward I shall grant you each ONE wish!", said the Genie.

Tony Blair said, "I found it, I shall go first. I wish for my country to return to it's former glory as an economic powerhouse, with powerful industry and a prosperous agricultural population. Also, I'd like it to rain less."

The Genie claps his hands and says "It is done!"

Saddam grabs the lamp next and says "I wish for a great wall to be erected around my country to keep the land pure and the infidels out."

The Genie claps his hands and says "It is done!"

The Genie turns to George Bush and says "what is your wish?"

Bush, thinking, says "tell me more about this wall you gave Saddam."

"It is the biggest, strongest wall in the world. 100 feet high, a 1/4 of a mile wide, made of solid granite. It is impenetrable."

"Fill it with water" says Bush.

[rpiereck]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New England Patriots fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Pats fans, too.

Not really knowing what being a Pats fan meant, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, the students' hands flew into the air.

There was, however, one exception. Little Johnny, in the back of the class, was not going along with the crowd.

The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Patriots fan" he said.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm an New York Giants fan!", boasts Johnny.

The teacher asks him why he is a Giants fan.

"Well, my dad and mom are Giants fans, so I'm a Giants fan, too" he responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Little Johnny smiles and says,

"Then I'd be a New England Patriots fan!!!"

[Shazam]

Heard another good one recently....

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[SaabKen]

OK not a joke per se, but something funny that happened to me yesterday .......

I was getting a coffee at Starbucks, it was early and I was the only customer. I like a lot of milk with my coffee (esp. SB's) so I always ask for a "short light in a tall cup". They always know what I mean. Well, yesterday when I asked for a "short light in a tall cup", the guy replied: "Oh you mean the blonde blend ?" I thought about it for a second, suddenly remembering SB's new commercial for their new light roasted coffees (branded as "blonde"). So I said: "Oh yeah right, blonde coffee, whatever."

As he was getting my coffee for me, I said out loud to him: "I just realized I could have said 'Can I have a short blonde in a tall cup, wouldn't that be funny ?'"

The guy, with his back to me, said: "Umm ..... yeah I s'ppose", then he turned around with a weird look on his face.

I paused a second, then turned my head to the right, when I see a second staffer coming out of their back room to start shift ...........

A very short girl.

And you guessed it.

She's blonde.